Change of Heart

I’ve neglected me. I’ve spent so many months – years – focused on the future and where I want to be that I forgot about the here and now and how to cherish the present. I also forgot about people. Throughout life, I’ve made the determination that people will always let you down and the only person I could trust was me – and God. From that moment, people were dispensable and I’ve focused on where I saw myself and what I wanted for myself. Their lives and feelings did not matter to me. I told myself I was okay with just “doing me” and that all I needed was to work toward my goals and I would be satisfied. Lately, especially after joining the military, I’ve felt a sense of loneliness. Due to my schedule, I usually spend about 2-3 weeks out of the month, and sometimes more, living in a hotel away from friends and family. I’ve jumped from city to city and hotel to hotel for work, but at the end of the day, it was just me in the room by myself studying or going to the gym to bide time. If I had a bad day, I had to look within myself to figure out how to get out of the rut or I would finally just pray. If I had a good day, I did not have anyone to share that with, unless I picked up the phone and called my pops. It was always school, work, and how do I set myself up for the next step career-wise. I was never fulfilled, regardless of how much God has blessed me, which often translated into not appreciating the wealth of experiences and opportunities He’s afforded to me. In my mind, God was all I needed. He could be my friend, He could be my companion, and He could fulfill all the holes in my life. But we were not created to be alone but to fellowship with each other and to have that companion. He created Eve for Adam.

I know I have an anti-marriage attitude when it comes to me, but I can admit that part of that comes from me being jaded from my experiences with people in the past. However, there is truth to the fact that I love my life the way it is. I love the fact that I can drop everything and take a trip without having to consult with anyone. I love that I can spend my money any way I choose. I love that I am only responsible for me and my life. I love the freedom that I have. I think marriage is a beautiful thing when it’s real, but I can’t see how it would fit into my life. I’ve had a lot of “come to Jesus” moments in the past few weeks regarding my life, my future, etc. I realized that when it’s all said and done, I don’t want to be the successful 50-something year old who only has her accomplishments to show for herself. I don’t want to be that person who retires and spends her life alone travelling and spending money in order to find fulfillment. I want something more, but I’m reluctant about moving forward because I’ve paralyzed myself with fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of imperfections, fear of unhappiness, and just plain fear. I know God did not give us a spirit of fear, but that’s my reality. I attempt to find meaning in shallow relationships I know aren’t for me or will never go anywhere to ease these feelings, but shallow isn’t going to work for me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m destined to just be.

Learning to Love

I want to write on a subject that some people think is a sensitive topic; however, I just want to put it all out there. I want to talk about love. I used to be the type of person to say that the “l-word” was overused and people only said it to describe whatever shallow feelings they may have been feeling at the moment they decided to let it flow out of their parted lips. I say this because I truly feel people will say it in order to achieve something – sex, money, a false-sense of security, status, etc. It was used as a mechanism by some in order to take advantage of a person and his or her feelings. With that said, as a Christian, I don’t think it’s used enough. I say this because God is love and He teaches us to love, love one another, love our friends, as well as our foes. When I say love, I mean pure, unadulterated love – love that has no bounds or stipulations. First Corinthians Chapter 13 spells it out. It wasn’t intended for relationship-type love between two people involved, but the type of love you should have for everyone. We need to love everyone, regardless of how they’ve hurt us or treated us.

13 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

² If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.
^3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

I just want to leave saying I love you all. ♥

In this past week, I’ve realized something very disturbing. Not only was my becoming aware of this unsettling to me, but because I was guilty of doing the very thing that alarmed me, caused me to stop and think.

In the era of smart phones, Facebook, Twitter, social media, and other indirect forms of exchange, people have become desensitized to the human condition.

If you go to any location where friends, acquaintances, etc. are gathered, instead of witnessing a scene where people are interacting face-to-face, you’ll notice one or more are on their cell phones – texting, updating a status, or checking to see what the rest of the world is doing – instead of valuing this opportunity they have with each other.

We don’t communicate with each other any longer. Last week, I had a friend leave me a long text message because she assumed I was upset with her because I did not answer any of her phones calls. Prior to that, I did have a short conversation with her and let her know that I was not upset with her at all, especially since I had no reason to be upset.  Well, long story short, she thought I was mad at her for no reason and said she was a good person and thought I was a good person, etc., basically friend-breaking up with me. When I realized that she took it a little too far, I had to drop everything to let her know that no, I was not upset with her, I was just busy and did not have time to respond to every phone call and every text message that I received. She understood, we had a nice conversation, and that was the end of that.

In this particular instance, we were both wrong. I was wrong to assume that she understood the dynamics of my life and that, at times, I’m often too busy to stop and give my time to others. I presumed those things and expected her to know that if you don’t hear from me for days or weeks at a time, it’s not because I don’t care for you any longer, but because I’m too wrapped up in the tasks of my life to give notice to others. And she was wrong to presuppose that I was upset with her even though I told her I was not.

This situation made me think that this happens too often. Because people are so used to being non-confrontational and dealing with each other in texts or status updates, that even when they are angry or upset, they don’t express that. Instead, they’ll throw an “I’m fine” out there and keep it moving, all the while, this anger is festering inside and it’s exacerbated when they say this person doesn’t care. How are they supposed to know you’re upset if you say you’re fine? I still haven’t grasped the logic in that.

That led me to think, we often get to the point when we decide we no longer want to deal with a person so we ignore them with the understanding that “they should get the hint.” WRONG. They should not get the hint. If you no longer wish to talk to someone or maintain a relationship with someone, let that person know. Your assumptions that these things are enough are wrong. It’s not enough. All the while, you’re being passive-aggressive and posting status updates on how that person should “get the hint” and understand that you no longer want to deal with him or her. Or you just unfriend that person on whatever social media site you share.

These things bother me because I consider myself a very communicative person, even though at times, I’ve felt that I just wanted to wash my hands clean of situations and people and wanted to leave things where they stood. So, no, I’m not perfect, I’m guilty of the very things I wrote about. I too have posted status updates about people instead of voicing it to that person. But know that if I have an issue with you, you know it. If I am mad at you, I’ll tell you and tell you why I’m upset. I’m too old to beat around the bush or play games. At the end of the day, we’re all people struggling to figure out this thing called life. We all have our own stories, our own battles, and our own triumphs. And all these things make us the people we are. We hurt ourselves and each other when we assume. Though it may take more effort, try loving each other and understanding the other person. Let’s not be insensitive to the human condition. ♥

Empty

My soul is aching.
Depressed.
For the missing piece of it that has left.
I gave myself away.
I allowed you to take from me every shred of self-respect and dignity I possessed.
Now I’m broken.
I’ve no one to blame but me.
My broken spirit wouldn’t allow me to see the beauty inside of me.
Now my mind, my thoughts, my dreams are plagued by pictures of you.
I can’t seem to pray it away because God would have nothing to do with the sin I’m in.
I’ve failed Him. I’ve failed me. I failed any hopes or love I had inside of me.